. lost myself.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Finally I have some sort of closure. Feeling relatively happy now that the whole fiasco is over. Few things I should remember from this episode:
1. I shall remember not to mistake my passion for my friends as feelings of love.
2. I shall not put anyone on a pedestal. Because by doing that, the person will appear flawless when in fact, no one is perfect. I shall not set myself up for disappointment by doing that.
3. I shall NEVER make any important decisions, that may affect the next year/few years of my life based on any single one person whom at that point of time I think is of great importance to me. Why? Because I tend to delude myself into how important a person is.
4. I shall not make any life plans based on any single one person whom I assume will be spending the rest of my life with me, unless of course I'm married.
Ok, lunchtime. continue later.
.found a piece of myself. @
11:18 AM
For some time now, I thought I wouldn't need this blog again, cos I thought I'd be relatively trouble free, and not have to write down here any sappy/enlightening/important/etc entries that I would want myself to remember. Coz no one reads this blog anyway, it's just for me to practice self-expression, and to try to reason out with myself, what I actually have in mind, and to pen it down, so that I won't forget what conclusion I came to. I am very prone to forgetting my epiphanies, which I think is a major stumbling block, to me actually realising or remembering who or what kind of person I am. No doubt everyone changes from time to time. Written here would be my framework of values to fall back on when I need one.
One lesson I learnt from writing a paragraph here. I tend to clump all my thoughts together and omit quite a few details, and squeeze all my point in a paragraph, till the point where it actually becomes unclear, not really achieving my purpose of making my sentences concise. I think I punctuate badly as well. Plus my thoughts are very random, they don't flow very well. Joshua once told me that I talk about alot of random things, which can be fun, but I think I really shouldn't write like that if I were to ever improve. I guess the ENG 125 class did actually help. Doing peer critiques helped me better identify problems with my own writing.
This blog is also to feed the other me, the one whom I feel is pretty suppressed inside me. I could almost call him the frown. Coz he is the opposite of what people see on the outside most of the time. Not exactly my alter ego, coz he isn't that much different from me. And no, I'm not a schizo thank you. I don't switch between both. I just don't show that part of me except in my own private space. I should call him the private me then.......like a mini me. haha...(see, the laugh is a trace of my outer me, can't shake him off even when I'm trying to give space to private me for self expression, this is an after thought by the way. Yes I am weird. Who isn't weird in at least one way or another.)
A good friend of mine wrote something on her blog today and I felt so wrongly accused. I felt that some of her statements are not very justified. For example, I feel she's exaggerating on some things me and my friend do, she claims that we whine incessantly about how we don't like the food here and the place. I admit we do complain about how we do not like living here, but that is not the main point; underlying that is a deeper reason for why we do not like living in a small town.
Everyone has different expectations of college, so don't try to fit someone else into your framework of expectations, actions and values, then judge them based on how well they fit, because most will not. U may have come to the USA to experience college life, whereas I came here to relax, have a easy time studying and devote more time to learn how to become more slick and savvy. Which is why I'm insistant on going to a business school because I feel that interacting with business-minded people will help me attain the level of polish that I'm seeking. Going to a large city will enhance the experience even more. And with the level of academic competition in UMich, I find it hard to break away from my studies to pursue my own interests and maintain good grades. I'm not saying it is impossible. I'm sure I can do it if I try hard enough. Which brings me back to my earlier point. I came here to learn in a relaxing environment. I know how to work. I came here to learn how to have fun.
I'm feeling upset rather than pissed off. I think I would have felt pissed off 3 years back if I read something like that. I felt rather hurt that someone whom I consider a good friend would make such a huge assumption and jump to conclusions about my actions. I hate it when people assume that I must be thinking this or that or I will be doing this or that because more often than not, they assume wrong. Coz I'm a weird shape. I don't fit into a regular framework.
Yes, food may be what I talk about all the time, but that is what u hear with your ears. U don't hear beyond that, because I can't be bother to make a louder sound. I may sound superficial and frivolous; I know you see that there's more to me than that and I thank you for recognizing that. But there is more than that layer u see, I'm almost like an onion, layer after layer, you would need alot of patience to see who I really am. I think over the years I have slowly built up this facade that even I find it hard to tell which is really me. Do u think you can tell something that even I have problems seeing?
Unless you have god-like perceptive powers, I suggest you try walking in the shoes of another before you even
try to judge his actions, because even then, you've only experience a little of what he's gone through.
I know she means well, and some things she says makes sense, but she is also overlooking certain aspects like not everyone is fit enough to join a fulfilling sport like the rowing crew. If I were fit enough to join the crew, I would definitely take up the challenge. I have never questioned the fact that it is a fulfilling experience, but for you to bring yourself up as a testament to that fact, you give me the impression that you are simply bragging. I know you would feel equally slandered if you heard this. This was how I felt. I'm not doing this just for a quick "an eye for an eye" thrill. I just want you to understand.
I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. And that infinite distance will shorten.
.found a piece of myself. @
1:16 AM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Swift as the Autmn wind you came,
Swift as the Fall breeze you left.
Were you just a figment of my imagination?
Or were you really there?
There is one way to tell, but I do not dare find out.
Which should I wish for?
That U were ever or never? =/
.found a piece of myself. @
2:09 PM
Monday, January 02, 2006
A dimpled smile.
In the deep still of my placid heart,
something stirs.
.found a piece of myself. @
12:13 PM
Sunday, January 01, 2006
It is not what you do, but who you do it with. Not that I never realised that, but my trip back to Singapore made me remember this. Haha. This phrase would sound terribly hum sup to my colleagues if I uttered it during lunch break.
.found a piece of myself. @
2:39 PM