Me...

2006-06-11T15:13:00.000-04:00

a hand to hold and a tight hug. is that too much to ask? even someone who has found me has left. sigh...

2006-05-26T20:59:00.000-04:00

if years after you graduate, and all you can be proud of or still talk about is which school you came from...i don't think there's much to be proud of...

2006-05-24T13:49:00.000-04:00

Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playin' games with my heart
Chorus:
Quit playin' games with my heart
Before you tear us apart
I should've known from the start
Before you got into my heart
I live my life the way
To keep you comin' back to me
Everything I do is for you so
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad
You better quit playin' games with my heart
Chorus
Quit playin' games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not a lie, let's stop
This tonight
Baby, quit playin' games
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

2006-05-23T15:30:00.000-04:00

i am afraid of being alone. and i know it. so why do i keep pushing people away? people whom i love, care about and want to get to know better. i am pushing them away before they get even closer to me, so that i won't be sad when they leave. what about people who are already close to you? why are you tryin to make them leave prematurely? i am pushing them away so that i won't be as sad when they leave as i would be if they continue walkin on in my life. so the sooner they leave, the better for me?
this doesn't make sense. if everyone leaves you, you'll be alone? isn't that your greatest fear? everyone leaves. sooner or later.

2006-05-23T13:21:00.000-04:00

sigh...i think i'm boring you to death. i don't know why, but once i lay eyes on that pretty face my mind just goes blank...hope i'll still have a fun summer like i was lookin forward to....

2006-05-22T03:00:00.000-04:00

guess I'm as good at cheerin u up as I tot I can be huh? Oh well... =/

2006-04-29T02:49:00.000-04:00

i need to grow up i guess...

2006-04-28T10:27:00.000-04:00

i am such a fool. always have been. will i always be? i sure hope not.

2006-04-23T03:24:00.000-04:00

It Might Be You

Time... I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life...
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be
Someone waiting home for me...

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you...
All of my life...

Looking back as lovers go walking past...
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last

If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it might be you

So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake
And we've so much love to make

I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time...
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life...

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before...

Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life...
It's you..
It's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

Maybe it's you...
Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

let's make the summer of '06 one to remember......even if you're not the one for me =)

2006-04-21T04:15:00.000-04:00

not knowing where we are going
not being able to control the handles very well
but laughing, frolicking, being slightly afraid
we continue to move ahead after all

2006-04-18T23:04:00.000-04:00

thanks for making my day =)

2006-04-17T22:45:00.000-04:00

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

sometime ago, a very close friend of mine sent me this song. i didn't think much about why it was sent to me. i just thought it was a good song to be shared. i heard the song, but never really listened. i guess i heard you speak too, but never really listened. i am really sorry i couldn't be there for you when you needed me to be around. i didn't even know. you always appear so strong, so silent, that i never thought that you will actually need me. i will listen harder from now on. to hear those silent cries of yours. not because i want you to hear mine one day, but simply because...i want you to know i'll be there. always.

2006-04-15T20:28:00.000-04:00

don't be afraid. focus instead, your energies on not letting it happen. make your plan fool-proof, carry out all the necessary preparations. don't slack...

2006-04-14T12:04:00.000-04:00

i dreamt of you again last night...such a sweet dream... =)
i dunno why...but this song keeps poppin up in my head today

"Quit Playin' Games (With My Heart)"

Baby, oh
Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)
Before you tear us apart (my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart
I should've known from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart

i know it's a sappy poppy boyband song...but it's a memorable part of my teenage past. i'm sure everyone has at least one secret favourite boyband song. haha =p

2006-04-12T15:39:00.000-04:00

work and play. some people work hard and play hard. how do they do that? up till now, it seems to me that achievement and enjoyment are almost mutually exclusive. finding a balancing point between the two seems to diminish the level of both achievement and enjoyment. is that really true? when will i know? hahaa...questions questions...why do i have so many questions and so few answers?

2006-04-10T22:44:00.000-04:00

i want to become powerful......a powerful thinker......how?

2006-04-09T00:35:00.000-04:00

you see me...the way i see you. and i like it =)

2006-04-06T15:48:00.000-04:00

wow...this is surprising...u actually saw through me...
hope the serious me doesn't bore u to death... .
u intrigue me.. ... .

2006-04-04T22:58:00.000-04:00

can't wait for the sun, sand, sea and your familiar scent...

2006-04-04T00:04:00.000-04:00

i think i'm going crazy. i dunno wot's wrong with me. somebody help me. argh......feels like a rollercoaster......side effects of my medication? i really don't know. i can't tell. help.....i dun even know why i'm going crazy...

2006-04-03T22:17:00.000-04:00

a friend came over for the weekend, and it was such fun. it's really the company that counts, not what you are doing. i should remember that in my quest for financial stability, i mustn't forget why i want all that money. hopefully, one day i'll be free...
i still want to play!!!

2006-04-03T03:33:00.000-04:00

i guess it's kinda hard to ever work things out btwn us huh? oh well. glad to have met u anyway.

2006-03-28T20:48:00.000-05:00

i realized i repeat useless stuff in my mind over and over again.
i should stop that.
focus my mind and energy on learning new things.
yeah.
stop it.

2006-03-26T04:08:00.000-05:00

Glad to have taken a risk afterall =)

what can i be?

2006-03-24T00:22:00.000-05:00

"A musician must make music,
an artist must paint,
a poet must write,
if he is ultimately to be at peace with himself.

What a man can be,
he must be"

Abraham Maslow (1968)

what can i be?

No more Byakuya?

2006-03-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

Hehe...found a cooler blogskin, kinda like it =) Miss the Byakuya one too though. Kinda cool. heh...

Infatuation

2006-03-06T20:34:00.000-05:00

Your pretty face keeps appearing in the blank of my mind. Your sharp nose, dimples, rather cool smile... =) And that makes me happy. U are a happy thought! heh. But I remember that infatuation is a really scary thing. Can overrun my life if i'm not careful. heh. So I'm gonna try to stop this. But I'm not gonna stop myself from smiling everytime I think of u. =) Though I think it's pretty impossible btwn us...I'm still happy I got to know you. I miss you...(see how scary infatuation is? hahahaa)

Inner Child

2006-02-08T12:04:00.000-05:00

I know I should be composed, I know I should keep cool. But I can't help it that I'm falling for you. Just because the feeling may not be mutual, I feel like bawling and kicking like a small kid who doesn't get what he wants. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't help it. U light up my life and bring cheer to my deary existance. I haven't smiled like u made me smile, in a long time... =/

another reminder

2006-01-22T11:18:00.000-05:00

Finally I have some sort of closure. Feeling relatively happy now that the whole fiasco is over. Few things I should remember from this episode:

1. I shall remember not to mistake my passion for my friends as feelings of love.
2. I shall not put anyone on a pedestal. Because by doing that, the person will appear flawless when in fact, no one is perfect. I shall not set myself up for disappointment by doing that.
3. I shall NEVER make any important decisions, that may affect the next year/few years of my life based on any single one person whom at that point of time I think is of great importance to me. Why? Because I tend to delude myself into how important a person is.
4. I shall not make any life plans based on any single one person whom I assume will be spending the rest of my life with me, unless of course I'm married.

Ok, lunchtime. continue later.

i thought wrong

2006-01-22T01:16:00.000-05:00

For some time now, I thought I wouldn't need this blog again, cos I thought I'd be relatively trouble free, and not have to write down here any sappy/enlightening/important/etc entries that I would want myself to remember. Coz no one reads this blog anyway, it's just for me to practice self-expression, and to try to reason out with myself, what I actually have in mind, and to pen it down, so that I won't forget what conclusion I came to. I am very prone to forgetting my epiphanies, which I think is a major stumbling block, to me actually realising or remembering who or what kind of person I am. No doubt everyone changes from time to time. Written here would be my framework of values to fall back on when I need one.

One lesson I learnt from writing a paragraph here. I tend to clump all my thoughts together and omit quite a few details, and squeeze all my point in a paragraph, till the point where it actually becomes unclear, not really achieving my purpose of making my sentences concise. I think I punctuate badly as well. Plus my thoughts are very random, they don't flow very well. Joshua once told me that I talk about alot of random things, which can be fun, but I think I really shouldn't write like that if I were to ever improve. I guess the ENG 125 class did actually help. Doing peer critiques helped me better identify problems with my own writing.

This blog is also to feed the other me, the one whom I feel is pretty suppressed inside me. I could almost call him the frown. Coz he is the opposite of what people see on the outside most of the time. Not exactly my alter ego, coz he isn't that much different from me. And no, I'm not a schizo thank you. I don't switch between both. I just don't show that part of me except in my own private space. I should call him the private me then.......like a mini me. haha...(see, the laugh is a trace of my outer me, can't shake him off even when I'm trying to give space to private me for self expression, this is an after thought by the way. Yes I am weird. Who isn't weird in at least one way or another.)

A good friend of mine wrote something on her blog today and I felt so wrongly accused. I felt that some of her statements are not very justified. For example, I feel she's exaggerating on some things me and my friend do, she claims that we whine incessantly about how we don't like the food here and the place. I admit we do complain about how we do not like living here, but that is not the main point; underlying that is a deeper reason for why we do not like living in a small town.

Everyone has different expectations of college, so don't try to fit someone else into your framework of expectations, actions and values, then judge them based on how well they fit, because most will not. U may have come to the USA to experience college life, whereas I came here to relax, have a easy time studying and devote more time to learn how to become more slick and savvy. Which is why I'm insistant on going to a business school because I feel that interacting with business-minded people will help me attain the level of polish that I'm seeking. Going to a large city will enhance the experience even more. And with the level of academic competition in UMich, I find it hard to break away from my studies to pursue my own interests and maintain good grades. I'm not saying it is impossible. I'm sure I can do it if I try hard enough. Which brings me back to my earlier point. I came here to learn in a relaxing environment. I know how to work. I came here to learn how to have fun.

I'm feeling upset rather than pissed off. I think I would have felt pissed off 3 years back if I read something like that. I felt rather hurt that someone whom I consider a good friend would make such a huge assumption and jump to conclusions about my actions. I hate it when people assume that I must be thinking this or that or I will be doing this or that because more often than not, they assume wrong. Coz I'm a weird shape. I don't fit into a regular framework.

Yes, food may be what I talk about all the time, but that is what u hear with your ears. U don't hear beyond that, because I can't be bother to make a louder sound. I may sound superficial and frivolous; I know you see that there's more to me than that and I thank you for recognizing that. But there is more than that layer u see, I'm almost like an onion, layer after layer, you would need alot of patience to see who I really am. I think over the years I have slowly built up this facade that even I find it hard to tell which is really me. Do u think you can tell something that even I have problems seeing?

Unless you have god-like perceptive powers, I suggest you try walking in the shoes of another before you even try to judge his actions, because even then, you've only experience a little of what he's gone through.

I know she means well, and some things she says makes sense, but she is also overlooking certain aspects like not everyone is fit enough to join a fulfilling sport like the rowing crew. If I were fit enough to join the crew, I would definitely take up the challenge. I have never questioned the fact that it is a fulfilling experience, but for you to bring yourself up as a testament to that fact, you give me the impression that you are simply bragging. I know you would feel equally slandered if you heard this. This was how I felt. I'm not doing this just for a quick "an eye for an eye" thrill. I just want you to understand.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. And that infinite distance will shorten.

Up to Speed

2006-01-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

Swift as the Autmn wind you came,
Swift as the Fall breeze you left.
Were you just a figment of my imagination?
Or were you really there?

There is one way to tell, but I do not dare find out.

Which should I wish for?
That U were ever or never? =/

Heart that Flutters......

2006-01-02T12:13:00.000-05:00

A dimpled smile.
In the deep still of my placid heart,
something stirs.

To remember...

2006-01-01T14:39:00.000-05:00

It is not what you do, but who you do it with. Not that I never realised that, but my trip back to Singapore made me remember this. Haha. This phrase would sound terribly hum sup to my colleagues if I uttered it during lunch break.

Happy New Year~

2005-12-31T14:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Zhiyi! =D